Step 6 delayed and here's why ...

It’s been almost three years since I worked in an office full time. Before taking the “self employed plunge,” I thought that anything could be better than working for a company. I hated being rushed in the mornings. I hated being chained to a desk. I hated being evaluated for hours worked instead of my productivity, insight and efficiency. The more I focused on these feelings, the bigger they got, until they seemed unmanageable, and it became unthinkable to stay in the gilded cage of corporate America.

I took the great leap and like most things in life, about two months later, reality started to set in. It was no longer thrilling to answer emails in my pajamas, or to jog in the middle of the afternoon without asking anyone's permission. There were things like juggling client expectations and "how am I going to pay this bill next month?"

I tried to build in elements of freedom so that this whole experiment could at least seem worthwhile. But it turns out that being motivated by next month's paycheck never did quite measure up. Instead of needing to be completely free to chase my own wiles, it turns out that what I needed was a lot of things that a formal 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. job offered. I needed things like structure (tasks to fill my day); companionship (friends to work alongside and eat lunch with most every day); expectations (do this by this point, please); rhythm (see you on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday); and contribution (you helped make this possible!).

Why am I telling you all this today?

Well, because last week I didn’t write Step 6 of the 7-step series we’re in the middle of. I don’t have a nice orderly blog to offer you today. It’s outlined on paper, but it is not written. And instead of pushing and cranking on myself to get it out at the ninth hour last night, I thought I’d take a stab at letting you know what's up.

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The detours we take to avoid living

Have you ever been in a place you knew you shouldn’t be? I often struggle to identify the difference between where I ought to be and where I truly desire to be. There are plenty of voices in our lives that will tell us—be sensible, be small, be frugal, be considerate of everyone’s feelings except your own. It’s a circular sort of trap that I got caught in, torn between doing what was expected and what was nourishing to me deep down inside.

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It's fine: how I resist fluffing the pillows of my life

At the age of 19, there were a lot of things that came flooding to the surface. Fast forward to age 32 and I've got a working theory on people:

there are friends who fluff their pillows and there are those who don't

Some people can let you into their inner circle in a healthful way, while others stay back. Some run in circles with themselves, which makes it really hard to figure out what's ever going on. I'm somewhere in the middle -- I'm a pillow fluffer in remission with occasional flair ups.

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The long tunnel to joy

In Colorado when you want to get from one side of a mountain to another, sometimes you have to drive through it. Not around it, not along the edge, but right through that giant rock holding all those trees and rivers and animals. The mountain stretches up, up, up to the sky and as you look back down to the road, you realize that they’ve carved out a relatively small crevice for your car to zip through to the other side. 

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Living a diet-free life as a bride-to-be

Friends, have you ever not been on a diet? Have you ever been completely and entirely relaxed with your life and your body?

Every day, without fail, Pinterest and the media and well-meaning friends and family, in general, work tirelessly to try to make me turn against my body—and turn it into something other than what it is right now, today.

Satisfaction is not a good selling point on the Internet.

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