Anywhere but here

want to be anywhere but here

Take me to Fiji, Beirut, Hong Kong, Maui

Give me diamonds, furs and private jets

Find me a job that never wears me out

A restaurant that never asks me to pay

And a yard that blooms all year round

Read More

That bastard anxiety

The interesting and worst thing about that bastard anxiety is that he has no manners.

He doesn't just terrorize you and make you feel shameful for getting lost in a 1.8-million--square-foot hospital complex. He doesn't stop there. He invades all the other parts of your self-esteem -- he swings from minor incident to major life accusation. You probably can't handle much of anything if you get lost in a hospital, he'll say. He takes aim at your general competency and then zeroes in on your capacity to love and to be loving.

Read More

The long tunnel to joy

In Colorado when you want to get from one side of a mountain to another, sometimes you have to drive through it. Not around it, not along the edge, but right through that giant rock holding all those trees and rivers and animals. The mountain stretches up, up, up to the sky and as you look back down to the road, you realize that they’ve carved out a relatively small crevice for your car to zip through to the other side. 

Read More

What can only be found with your eyes closed

I’m in that space where they say you’re supposed to write no matter what. When you’re feeling so many things that you can’t actually look at the page as you’re typing because even the way the letters show up on the screen is a welcome distraction. Anything, please, anything but feeling this.

I’m in that space where my mind has been remembering everything. 

When everything comes back as a memory with marching orders. One by one, they show up—memories of being happy as a little girl, built around a few photographs in the family photo album. Memories of that smile going away. Of being clenched in my heart by fear of being found out. Of being called a liar. Fear of being bad. Of being left in the street because I didn’t hear you. Fear of the darkness when the bedroom door shut at night, and footsteps click, click, clicking toward my room to steal me. 

My life is flashing right now with all of the things that bubble to the surface when I’m feeling big feelings. And I still can’t open my eyes to look at the screen because looking might make me forget what is trying to come out right now.

Read More