When pursuing happiness makes you miserable

A handful of friends coached me about how to dress on a first date; how to be sexy; how to be less like myself (intimidating, serious, businessy) and more like what the guy is looking for (not those things). I underwent several rounds of Cosmo and Sex in the City tutorials before I was pushed and stuffed full of so many contradicting ideas, I didn’t quite know who I was on these dates. But I did know one thing:

Dating was about making me happy.

By 2013 I was a land mine of anxiety and impossible standards. 

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Quiet time & other necessary seasons of life

When life is feeling overwhelming or stressful, I revert back to my favorite TV show. I love the way these old shows and movies take me back in time and let me imagine the most simplistic state of living. The struggles between husband and wife are petty (not so unrealistic) and quickly resolved with a hug and a kiss (very unrealistic). Hardship for Lucy is not being able to get her California grapefruit signed by a celebrity. I laugh on cue, as always. And I always come back for more. This is how I escape life, and I imagine we all do so, in one way or another. The challenge (as we all know) is coming back to reality.

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How Buddhist meditation made room for Christ

Eleven years ago I stopped going to church. For a 20-year-old who had felt a real, true connection with the person of Jesus, this was an agonizing decision to make. I witnessed so much unraveling about the faith I had been raised in -- and I felt in my conscience I could no longer profess this faith, nor condone the horrific actions of people who claimed to lead it.

My grandmother, an open-minded spiritual person, played a pivotal role during these early "unchurched" days, offering comfort and understanding when most of the Christians around me were impatiently tapping their feet and wishing I'd "just get over it." 

The last 10 years have been spent wrestling with myself and my God, asking in a million different ways: Is this all a farce? 

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How mindfulness meditation created a life-changing "gap"

One cold, dreary Colorado winter morning, my dog woke me up. Like every other day, she wanted to go outside. But unlike every other day, a shocking, embarrassing rage consumed me. I was angry, tired and frustrated that I had this dog to wake me up when I had been happily sleeping. I angrily marched upstairs from my basement apartment, opened the door to let her out and angrily flung it shut behind her. 

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Why I wish your pews were full

A few months ago I drafted a blog called "Why Your Pews are Emptying." 

It was a vomit sort of blog -- the kind where all your insides fall onto your desk and carpet, and when it's over you're not sure if you or the blog got the worst end of the deal. 

I shared it with a friend of mine who kindly pointed out that it was "hyperbolic," to quote him accurately. This was my cue:

"It's not beneficial. Don't post it."

If I'm being honest, I hate being a Christian.

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