when a man feels like the ocean

The first time I recognized an empty pillow next to mine, I was about 12 or 13. A wave of sadness rushed through my body and I gently traced the outline of the pillow where a man's head could rest eventually. I had no sexual connection with this (yet). I just knew I had realized a new, true sense of aloneness. I wondered where my husband was sleeping, dreaming of--and the cruelty of the empty pillow has followed me ever since.

My understanding of life and love and romance and sex has shifted dramatically in my teens to adulthood. This is not surprising. From exploring dating, sexuality, non-Christian and somewhat risky lifestyle choices -- I have tried on many options for finding a mate. Regardless of when I fell in that spectrum -- the empty pillow remained a consistent theme. Even when I woke up with a man beside me -- however much I tried to convince myself it was "going somewhere" I would intuitively reach a place where I knew he didn't belong.

As I have undergone some interesting personal transformation, I have contemplated, even obsessed over, this idea of what I will have to offer God when I die. The Church teaches that your spouse is the person who helps you get to heaven -- so choose wisely, is the guiding principle. I've taken this in my heart and truly believe my primary calling in life is to deliver my husband to God, to take such tremendous loving care of him as my main mission. If my writing or career ever wrongly interfered with my ability to love and care for my husband well, I would surrender them. Even in my views on children, I am not very eager to have them especially if they come at a very natural cost of caring for my husband.

There is something very particular in my sense about this. My search for connection with another soul does not grow from a sense of obligation or unmet desire. But a calling. And it is very, very difficult to explain. At the same time I am empowered by this idea of sacrificing my life for my husband's, I also recognize the abundance of love that would be available to me. I need and yearn for that devotion and sacrifice. I know my higher callings in life will only be supported and expanded in that kind of love.

People may wonder why my "vision" is so resolutely set on my husband being delivered to God, and my answer is simple: what better demonstration of God's love for all of humankind -- to illustrate God's all-encompassing love for even just one person -- than to devote my life's energy to that single person God would have died for alone?

What's challenge to explain about how I feel is that it's not rooted in becoming a doormat or as a means to being loved/accepted. I just think that the man God has for me will be worthy of all this groundwork being set down. He will be daily redeemed (and so will I) by such tremendous, intentional, focused devotion.

It could only be destined for a heart that grows wildly, gives generously, sacrifices in abundant ways. That heart will feel like an ocean with no depths of ending.

His heart will feel like the ocean.