Explaining Santa Claus to an Indian Uber Cab Driver

Three afternoon cocktails into cooking Thanksgiving dinner, we piled into an Uber cab to get to our friends’ place in Brooklyn.

It’s important to note that earlier in the day I had a significant conversion experience at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, which resulted in a firm belief in Santa Claus. I rode shotgun and eagerly began sharing my conversion story with the driver. Soon he told me he didn’t know anything about Santa Claus. Nothing?!?! As Santa’s newest and likely oldest non-sober convert, I began describing the magical parade and (realizing this fellow needed the Santa 101) then launched into this explanation to our friend, the Indian Uber cab driver:

Santa Claus is a man based on a religious saint. Religion, yeah? A very good man who brought toys to poor children. Yes, he was very good — a saint. Well, Americans believe that this very fat man flies around the world one day a year. He flies in a sleigh. We believe he slides down chimneys and delivers toys to the good children. He brings lumps of coal — yes, bad gifts — for the naughty children. What does he look like? Oh like this…

By the time Google had loaded images of Santa, we were pulling up to our destination. I feel terrible that I don’t remember the Uber driver’s name, but it’s OK because I’m pretty sure Santa does.