True love is for and available to everyone
/I used to think that true love was just for people with significant others. Based on everything I had read in books and seen in movies, true love showed up after you had suffered for a very long time. True love seemed like something far away from me, something to be earned once I had paid my dues or figured out how to be normal.
In my 20s, I was on every online dating app. In my spare time, I was reading psychology books on relationships and healing and attachment styles and dissociative disorders. I was really committed to this idea that true love was “out there” in the future, “out there” in a healthy family and so on.
This made it really hard to see that true love was actually all around me. Until one day I learned about true love from Thich Naht Hanh’s point of view. Thich is a beloved Buddhist teacher. And he said true love has four qualities:
Lovingkindness – when true love is present, it has the capacity to create happiness in you and others.
Compassion – with true love, we offer ourselves and others the courage of sitting with ourselves, our emotions (and even our neuroses) just as we are.
Joy – true love naturally creates a deep, abiding joy and sense of safety.
Inclusiveness – in true love, the entirety of who you are is welcomed and cherished.
True love is “all-embracing.”
At first, I felt a lot of resistance to Thich’s gentle teaching about true love. It felt very unconditional—which meant that, if true, I had nothing to “work” toward anymore.
If what he said was true, then true love was all around me in my life.
Over time, I came to realize that I had experienced true love from my best friend, Hannah. I had experienced true love from Karen, Dave, Jean, Paula, James and Stuart—all dear friends who knew how to listen to me as I wondered (and wandered) about the world.
I had experienced true love in my sangha, an online meditation community where we shared questions and offered our love (even through the computer) when someone had gone through something tough in life. And I had experienced true love from my beloved dog, Georgia.
If today is a tough day for you, that’s OK. I used to resist Valentine’s Day as a single person because it felt contrived and elusive. It sucked a lot to hear people say, “Oh there’s nothing special about Valentine’s day… you won’t even care once you’ve been married a while.” I think comments like that hurt so much because I wasn’t just wanting the thrill of a romantic dinner. I was wanting to feel the deepness of true love that I thought only a romantic relationship could offer.
But today I’d like to propose that true love isn’t exclusive.
I’d like to propose that you have true love available to you, even if it’s coming from a pet goldfish, ferret or a cat. Even if that animal doesn’t belong to you, if you have:
felt happiness in their presence
were able able to sit beside them without feeling anxious
felt joy getting to see them
didn’t have to pretend to be someone other than your true, wonderful self
then you have experienced true love.
May you find true love today, tomorrow and all the days ahead.