Celebrating love this Valentine's Day

For the first time in my life, I have a valentine. It's among the myriad shifts in my single lady cosmos since meeting my boyfriend. I can't help but think back to all the (happily) coupled people who would tell me each year:

"Valentine's day is nothing special. You're not missing out on anything."

I knew they were trying to address the materialistic part of the holiday -- flowers, chocolate, love poems or this nauseating heart-shaped pillow with hands and feet. 

Barf.

I knew I wasn't missing out on that stuff. After all, one year my girlfriends and I spent the night drinking homemade chocolate martinis. Another year, we were tossing back margaritas. Come to think of it, most years involved what I'll have with Lee this year: wine, a lovely dinner, laughter, and maybe a movie or two. Well, almost. ;-)

My adult life wasn't void of love, but it was void of daily companionship. It was missing the date to every office party or holiday shindig. It was missing a strong shoulder to cry on (though my friends did and still do an excellent job of listening to my woes). 

Because I knew my well-intentioned coupled friends didn't "get it," I began asking them to not belittle the holiday. Such comments were useless and misdirected. Telling someone who longs for companionship that it's "no big deal" is insensitive.

So in this blog, I want to share a few very honest things and I hope you'll see my good intentions and forgive me for anything that comes across as braggy.

First, having a daily companion is the best

Growing up I was never a "gotta have a boyfriend" kind of person. For all intents and purposes, Lee is my first real boyfriend. I had guys around who I'd date casually, but nothing with long-term potential. No one I truly confided in or kept around on a daily basis. At the age of 30, having my first boyfriend came with some culture shock. I noticed how comfortable I was in my singleness -- not satisfied and uninterested in companionship, but truly, very comfortable in having every single thing go my way every minute of the day.

With 30 years of being large and in charge, I imagined this must be why some of my older friends remain single. "Set in my ways" isn't a platitude. It's a real thing and very natural. The human mind and heart are really drawn to comfort above all things, and I can't blame them. (Survival! Rawr!) However, because we're an evolved species, we are intelligent enough to recognize the value in finding a partner. And so, when we want companionship, our rational brain must decide to choose what's best for our well-being instead of only our comfort.

There were moments in the first few months of dating Lee that I was grumpy. Not unhappy or mistreated. Just plain old grumpy. I thought back to my days before him -- and my heart softened. I'd rather have to "compromise" on dinner locales or movie nights than not have his stellar jokes and thoughtful commentary in my life.

The point I'm trying to make is: I've learned that companionship is worth being uncomfortable for. So if you're hoping a partner will come to you, be prepared to be grumpy and uncomfortable at first but filled with a deep satisfaction of a life lived with another human being. I won't lie. Valentine's day is better with a companion.

Second, your friends and family need to hear from you.

When I was about 24, I didn't date much and I worked a lot. One day I was feeling especially blue and it dawned on me: I haven't been hugged in weeks. So I began a new pattern when I saw my friends:

"I need a hug, please. I haven't been hugged in a while."

And they ALWAYS happily obliged. 

One night while I was staying over with some friends, I was particularly worried about a business meeting the next day. So I texted my friend:

Are you up?

Yes.

Can I come get a hug?

Simple as that. She walked across the hall to my room and she gave me a great big hug, I sat my head on her shoulder, took a few deep breaths and then went right to sleep.

I know it might feel odd to ask for a hug or for a long lunch or for a girls sleepover -- but if you're anything like me (independent and self sufficient to a fault), people tend to overlook your needs. I have no idea why this is true, but I've just never been the person people can't wait to invite to a party, nor the gal who people take a natural curiosity in. So I learned to plan my own dinners, my own lunch dates and to ask for my own damn hugs.

Third, make sure you're sharing the best parts of yourself with everyone you meet.

In my early 20s I read a book about the five love languages. They wrote a single person version of this book, so it focuses on how you can be a better friend, daughter, co-worker, etc. I knew I wanted to be married one day, but I sensed I was out of my depth in that area. So I focused on trying to learn how to be the very best friend, co-worker and daughter. I shifted the focus away from feeling lonely toward "How can I make others feel loved?" My goal here was, in some ways, to practice loving people in the way I'd like to love a companion one day. And slowly but surely, I began to see a newness come to my friendships. I saw them in a new light. I tried practicing how to give in all the primary ways they felt appreciated.

Doing this, I began sharing the best part of myself, which can be tough when you already feel tired. And if you're anything like me, you wonder, "How can I possibly have anything left for a boyfriend, let alone all these friends?"

The secret in giving the best parts of yourself away is: the best parts of others usually come to you.

To love and light and being appreciated

This is the part in my blog where I tell all my happily single friends: Do you booboo. I love that you're loving being single. I loved being single, until, one day, I was definitely done. Funny how that works.

If you're single and afraid of not being able to "compromise" even when you find a great match, drop me a line. I'll tell you some back-of-the-bar stories about how Lee and I are figuring out how to manage our "gypsy" tendencies. It really is worth it.

To everyone reading this: I hope you find a reason to celebrate, and if you have a single friend in your life -- give them a hug for no good reason.