In the last six years of my life, there’s been a kind of unraveling. It’s been slow, not entirely unhappy (I did get married and move to Colorado), but I have been piecing together and taking apart my way of being in the world.

For the majority of my life I have been watching all of you. I know that sounds creepy, but it’s true. I’ve been watching, observing, recording and mimicking how you make friends, how you tell jokes, how you relax, how you perform in a job interview, how you keep a job, how you impress your boss. You name it, I’ve taken notes and, sometimes, practiced in a mirror to see if I can, just for once, at least appear normal.

there is normal. and then there is me.

Not only have I been an observer and historian of all things “Human Life Form,” but I have also had an unstable relationship with books. I need a book to explain things. I need someone to describe, with as much detail as humanly possible, how they do “normal.” There’s also TV and movies. When I watch something on screen, I am not just following the story line, I’m looking at the hem of her sweater, how a jacket frames his face, how their shoes match (or don’t). I’m taking copious notes of the setting—bedroom vs living room vs kitchen, in varying climates, cities, socioeconomic statuses. I am recording everything to my hard drive, so that I can have a chance of blending in and feeling normal for once.

Owning an online shop, among a few other complicating factors, has pointed out to me, without a doubt, that I am not normal. This is the first job I’ve ever had that puts the whole me into it. There is no design team to lean on each day. There is no copy editor. It is 100 percent me, and you know what? I can’t play pretend in my head, running through a hundred scenarios to make sure I’m not embarrassing myself and run this shop from my heart. I just can’t do it.

why a diagnosis now?

So I’m working with some professionals and in a few months will be evaluated for autism spectrum disorder and probably ADHD and who knows what else. And if you’re asking, why at age 35 would a diagnosis even matter? Well, I’ll tell you. Because the standard coping mechanisms for anxiety, depression, etc., have only ever worked for me for a few days at best. Based on what I’ve read, there are also complications if a person on the autism spectrum is treated and/or medically supported as a “regular old depression and anxiety” case. I want to know how to ask for the support that will actually make a goddamn difference. I want to run this shop and keep sending gifts to all of you and your friends, and I know in order for this shop to remain and grow and for me to flourish inside of it, I know that something’s gotta give.

Ecommerce discovery No. 1 = I am neurodivergent

That’s the biggest discovery (and point of acceptance), to be honest. And I think most of the things I learned in trying to run an ecommerce website somehow loop back to being neurodivergent. So if you’re super normal and always at ease and the life of the party, the rest of this post may not be for you. But if you have ever wanted to really do something with your whole heart and soul on the line—and maybe you’re running into brick walls over and over again, keep reading.

Finding inventory and vendors is complicated

In my mind, I thought that as long as you had money that people would sell their products to you. This is part of my “nice world” book I read out of a lot. The whole inspiration for this shop was to create and share sensory moments with my favorite products. Welp. Guess what? Those go-to product brands are way too big to sell to me. Even on cash terms. Nope. Selling wholesale requires an entire acquisition, sales and delivery process that costs big companies big bucks. And someone small like me isn’t worth the hassle / loss. This was the first time I thought my dream of an online shop was shattered into pieces.

But actually, what you need if you’re starting off small is an online marketplace like Faire. I’ve looked into a handful of marketplaces where you can buy wholesale (as long as you have a resale license), and Faire has the search filters that help me find smaller businesses who DO want to sell to someone small. I’m learning the value of working with small businesses as vendors: they don’t have as many requirements outside of wholesale minimums. And if you do your homework (and search products and businesses at all hours of the day) you can usually find the exact product you’re looking for—with a bonus small business friend included.

Branding requires resources and at least a bit of talent

I worked in marketing for years. Years, I tell you. I know all the formulas and best practices to put into place. I understand SEO, which bores the hell out of me. And you know why my clients saw success? Because they had great blogs and the team’s strategy around SEO and conversion pages—but also THEY HAD MONEY AND INTERNAL TEAMS AND SOMEONE WHOSE WHOLE JOB WAS TO FOCUS ON MAKING SURE “ABC ROOFING COMPANY” ALWAYS LOOKS, SOUNDS AND FEELS LIKE “ABC ROOFING COMPANY.”

Branding for the shop is an area that kicked me on my butt real fast. I had all the pictures in my head of what I wanted to create, but put the phone in my hand and everything looks like pictures of toilet water and toenails. I have no idea how. But branding requires focus and resources and someone who knows how to DO THE BRANDING THING.

So for branding resources and talent, I reached out to my cousin who never posts pictures of toilet water and toenails and asked for her help. And in a couple hour conversation, she had me thinking about resources and lighting and props in ways that had never occurred to me. I bought linen scraps from this shop on Etsy, along with a few props and we identified a couple “flat laying” flowers and greenery that make me feel a fluttery feeling of beauty. She also reminded me that sometimes to get a good shot of a product, you have to stand on a ladder and point the camera down. So simple, but definitely something I wouldn’t have thought of.

Inspiration requires permission and focus

So when I’m feeling all cute and inspiration-y and distracted, this simultaneously presents a big, huge challenge for me in running this shop.

FOCUS.

Oh my lord, I am not short on inspiration and pictures and beauty and vision. When something is especially beautiful, my chest gets all fluttery and my eyes kind of blur as I daydream. And then I want to POST THE THING RIGHT AWAY. I want to tell EVERYONE about this beautiful thing right NOW. Because if I don’t scratch this itch of sharing beauty, I will implode, maybe? I’m not sure.

But it’s real. And I have done more than my fair share of deleting Instagram and Facebook posts because I’m not entirely sure what I was thinking or trying to communicate.

On the other side of the inspiration coin is “permission.” I have to practice, actively, every day, to give myself permission to find inspiration and to chase it a bit. Because if I don’t, everything I instinctively love or am drawn to gets bulldozed instantly by (1) The Negative Thought Police and (2) several hundred facts, figures and strategies pointing out that the thing I love is not sustainable/appealing/sellable and may or may not result in utter ruin for me and my entire family. So, permission. I work every day, every hour sometimes, to give myself permission to be inspired first and then figure out how to focus. The focusing is still a work in progress.

Focusing is hard

Ecommerce requires a level of focus I have never tried to harness. And you know what? Focusing is HARD. Just this morning I asked a friend, “Why is this my brain? Whyyyyyyyyy?”

It feels just IMPOSSIBLE unless, of course, I psych myself into a place of utter anxiety and panic that I dissociate, stop feeling everything in my body and operate like a robot. Sound fun? It’s not. And I’ve worked so damn hard to feel and be in my body and not automatically run away. Here’s a list of just a few things that need my focus (so that I can implement harness my attention and bring my vision to life):

- Email marketing

- Blog writing

- Checkout baskets (making them easy, fun, clear)

- Product marketing

- Figuring out marketing the product vs the shop vs the experience vs the message

- Shipping—buying resources, labels and finding a third-party system that doesn’t rip you off or make me lose my marbles (please only ever use Pirate Ship; they saved me so much actual money and they keep me informed of all things shipping)

- Product packaging—creating a fun opening experience

- Margins and sales (ew, gross)

Asking for help is non-negotiable

So since I’ve accepted that focusing is beyond difficult, I am learning how to ask for help. Which usually requires a little bit of TLC to pull me out of my anxiety and remind myself, “It’s OK. No one is the expert at everything.” I also have to remind myself that there is no big book for me to consult and memorize/implement like a robot. (Dammit.) So reaching out is the only way through, in my case, anyways. Which is what I’m going to do now.

Do you follow anyone online who is also neurodivergent and wants to try out building an ecommerce shop? If so, would you connect them to me and my shop? I would LOVE to know them, follow them, maybe be best friends and see what kinds of resources they use to live their best life.