the masks i've worn in 2020 and my entire life

Being online has always created a dilemma as far as the “inner workings” of my life are concerned.

I follow so many people who are bubbly, bright, smiley and motivational. I see them and instantly sense doom on the horizon for me and all my endeavors. I am none of these things as a general rule.

And because I *think* I’m seeing into people’s “inner workings,” I feel like a failure most of the time.

I’ve felt pretty hopeless the last two years or so, and this year compounded a lot of my “inner workings” turmoil.

The thing about hopelessness (and, dare I say, burnout) is that it makes you drag your fingers in the dirt, over and over again. Until one day, you start looking at the real things.

Not the imaginary, ideal, pretend things that you’re striving to wear like a prize.

The real, inner workings.

For me, I’m looking at the “masks” I’ve worn through the last 15+ years.

I’m looking at how I “calculate” everything around me on auto pilot.

I’m thinking back to every book I’ve ever read or TV show I’ve ever watched, and realizing I wasn’t watching them to be entertained—I was watching to learn how to copy them.

I’m noticing how many of my friends lament not being able to wear new outfits to work because of the pandemic, and I have never, not once, felt anything but dread and fear when deciding what to wear in public.

This year gave me the extra alone time to realize that, for all my reading, diagnosing, vitamin-taking and food-allergy-testing, I am easily exhausted and generally uncomfortable in the world.

Although this may not be a message from a bright and bubbly cheerleader, I do want to say that I’m deeply aware and thankful for what I’ve been given this year.

I got my nose pierced; I got my first tattoo; I wore a bra and pants during yoga; I sent gifts to strangers; I launched an online gift shop. I snuggled my dogs. I learned about somatic / body therapy. I used my creativity in new ways, to celebrate people from afar.

I learned that the “inner workings” are what it’s all about. Without being in touch with and honoring them, what am I even doing, you know?

So here’s to the next year, which I humbly invite to go a little easier on us