The things that get us through (in)voluntarily transformation

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The things that get us through (in)voluntarily transformation

Life was tough before COVID-19 showed up and shifted things to a place we’ve never seen before.

Life is now challenging for all of us in new ways.

It reminds me of when I first left college, completely out of my element without a religious home or academic structure to make me feel safe.

Few things are as peculiar and baffling as being 22 years old, but also toss in a faith crisis, stunted social skills and over-the-top constant anxiety? This was the first of a series of semi-involuntary “who am I” life transformations. Not to say I’m all cute and transformed and everything’s fine now. But who I was then and who I am now are very different creatures, and it didn’t happen by accident. It took a lot of intentional work.

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Let’s talk about survival mode, trauma and resources we all need

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Let’s talk about survival mode, trauma and resources we all need

In the last two months, you (or someone you know) have been flung into “survival mode.”

When we think about survival mode, it’s easy to assume that it only applies to poor villagers in a remote part of third-world countries where food and water are hard to come by. This is the ultimate survival mode—where everyday men, women and children live hour by hour, at the mercy of a miracle to provide for their basic necessities.

With this image in our minds, it’s easy to assume that westerners in a wealthy country like America could never experience something similar.

But survival mode is more complex: it is both real and also relative to your individual situation. A more inclusive picture of survival mode is one where we do a few things:

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Introducing a new word: “Wakeful”

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I’d like to introduce you to a term I came across a few months ago.

It’s the word “wakeful.”

I’m sure a lot of us are familiar with mindfulness, awareness, etc., but wakeful came across my radar when I was in a place with my depression that I could feel the fog lifting *just a little bit.*

When depression starts to lift, it can feel unsafe

And if you’ve ever experienced long-term depression, the feeling of it lifting or lessening can actually be a little unnerving for a few reasons. First, because you’ve likely figured out a way to “just get by” with the feelings that depression naturally brings; and second, because depression is outside our control and it’s capable of “lifting” and then “settling back in”—and the shifting back and forth is just plain exhausting. So exhausting that, for me, I’d almost prefer to stay depressed instead of feeling better for a little while, only to feel sunk back down again.

But the fog was lifting, I was feeling anxious about it all, and I was trying to find a place inside myself where I could be at peace with the changes I was feeling.

You’re just waking up

As I was moving through ideas and feelings inside myself, I thought, “You’re just waking up.”

Oh. That’s all.

I’m just waking up?

Huh. I’m waking up.

And although how much I wake up and how much this depression lifts is entirely outside my control, but I can also cooperate with the waking up.

So I made sure to keep showing up to my yoga sessions, trying 1-minute meditations after breakfast and applying gentle effort to welcome this sensations that come along with waking up.

Wakefulness is a guiding beacon for Happy Packs

For my journey with anxiety, depression and trauma, “waking up” became synonymous with being courageous and being open to what evolving and healing looking like for me.

“Waking up” also became a sort of comforting thought when I became unnerved or shook up. And I could talk myself through the discomfort:

It’s OK. This is a new sensation and experience.

It’s part of waking up, and you’re in charge of how you wake up.

So “waking up” and “wakeful” became a sort of guiding light for me as I was creating Happy Packs and designing a vision for how this organization could thoroughly support mental health, neurodiversity and engaging the senses.